It was about this time last semester that i had a free moment to write.... for the same reason... being my motivation has escaped me once again.
July 16.... I am amazed and in awe thinking about my life today as compared to one year ago. One year ago today, I was probably sitting in my lame office feeding squirrels outside my office door. I love squirrels! Watching them eat is probably one of the cutest things I have ever seen, but then again, I am a sucker for just about anything to do with animals! I love my randomness, I was just about to delete that, but random thoughts are what make blogs interesting! Anyways, I was content sitting in that boring effortless job, because I had known i was getting ready to leave my job and start this incredible journey by MYSELF. It is apparent to me now that I had no idea what I was about to do. I was about to change my life forever. Of course I knew I was making a decision that would better my career, but I had no idea that it would turn the world I knew upside-down. If I had consciously knew what was about to happen, I may have never left....which would have been a HUGE mistake!
It was a frenzy of signs, starting from the day I got here. Why would he refuse to go on his computer in front of me? Why was all of our passwords changed? Why did he turn his phone off at night and keep it on silent during the days? When it came time for him to leave me here, I cried as if I KNEW I would never see him again. When you "love" someone and have to leave them, you should cry because you don't want to be away from them, not because you feel like it is the end. This was my instincts firing off alarm signals telling me that I knew something was wrong all along. As days passed here on this little island, my tears became more abundant and my heart knew exactly what was happening. The ironic part about it is that these things that were happening while we were apart, were the same sort of things happening while we were together, living under the same roof, that I just somehow ignored. In reality, I was blinded. Perhaps repressing what I knew was undeniably true. But as with all deceit, it all came to light, front and center... a giant monster that I knew I had to defeat. Perhaps that is what I am most proud of. My strength in conviction. My ability to remain strong, to succeed in school and let go of someone that never should have been a part of my life in the first place. As I sit and reflect....I get a sense that I WANTED this to happen. And I don't mean that I wanted to experience on of the greatest pains and stresses of my life, but rather, I wanted to leave. Honestly, what happily married person would volunteer themselves to move away from the life that they had made, to live 16 months on a deserted island? When I think about it, if I was genuinely happy and loved my life, I wouldn't have made that decision. I have been conditioned, if you will, to LOVE. But I know very well, that LOVE is not something that you turn off and on. Love is a feeling that never goes away, Love is what keeps two hearts together, two hearts that would not willingly choose to be separated. Ironically, I had heard several times from my ex that he wanted to go on certain trips for the AF and that he would do whatever he could within his squadron to be able to go. He would blatantly talk to his colleagues about how unhappy he was with his wife who "never does anything, and is letting herself go" and he wanted to get away..... he had a wandering eye... and there was only so much his friend could do to stop him. It was amazing how much people will tell you if you just ask. So why did he continue to "pretend" that he was happy? Better yet, why did I pretend I was happy? I knew he commented all the time about me not doing anything, or constantly ask if I were going to the gym or what I ate or why I liked to sleep so much. I could always tell he needed to be doing something, and was unhappy if he felt he was missing out on something everyone else was doing. I mean why did I put up with someone who was obviously not happy with me? Someone who did things that made me unhappy on a daily basis, someone who was NEVER there for me. I guess the reason I am choosing to write all this is because I can see it all now. Of course he made the mistakes of lying daily and being unfaithful, but I spent each day lying to myself. I am just as guilty here.
He is amazing. He is charming, funny, incredibly sexy, intelligent, kind-hearted, motivated.... and most importantly, he treats me better than I could ever hope for. Valentines day... he approached me handing me a single rose and one of the cutest check yes or no "Will you be my Valentine" cards he had made on the computer. The ironic thing, is I had seen him plenty of times, but I had never really met him. I always stared at his sexy bald head and laughed every time I heard his laugh! (It is classic, trust me!) So, after the cute and mildly awkward approach, he introduced himself and asked me to hang out sometime. Of course I brushed him off slightly. (Sorry Love!) The LAST thing I was looking for was to date. Let alone tell the crazy story that I recently had my heart broken by my a cheating ex husband. So I gave him my Facebook info and we began sending messages back and forth. You know the basic "where are you from and what do you like to do" questions. I remember saying "27, happily divorced... always a conversation killer" and was completely scared of his response. But to my surprise, his response was "So here is a random fact about me, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I'm kind of...how do you say nuts about you. (that's my conversation killer)" AHHH sigh of relief! He could care less that I am divorced! After we started talking, I couldn't help myself from staring at him every day. There was just something about his eyes, something that I couldn't resist. I slowly began to think that it wouldn't be such a bad idea to hang out with him. So when he asked if we could hang out again, and this time I said yes. We met at the beach and had some great conversation and lots of laughs. But the best part was the kiss ;) not to spill all the details, but OMG, his lips were amazing and sent chills down my spine! I was glowing inside. We seemed to hit it off instantly. I just was so unbelievably attracted to him and his personality! Though we have completely different backgrounds, he and I share the same basic morals and want virtually the same things out of life. Some of the greatest appeals were that he doesn't drink, he insists on honesty, he wants a big family, he values a marriage, and he is perfectly content sitting at home doing nothing and just "being" with me. When I think about him, I couldn't even dream up a better match for me. But don't get me wrong, we have a lot of differences too! But just enough difference to make us MORE compatible. (he is the glass-half-empty and I am the glass-half-full)
I truly believe that I was sent to this crazy little island for a reason. "Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents, but rather a tapestry of events that culminate into an exquisite sublime plan." I am thankful of that broken road that lead me to him! For once in my life, I don't feel like I have to worry about what my significant other is doing behind my back, and I have complete faith that if he is going to be there for the rest of my life, he will be there through everything as a supporting, loving husband, excited about providing for his family, and trying to create the best life he can for them. He is an angel sent from heaven's gates.
So looking back, I guess if I had the chance to say anything to my EX, it would be THANK YOU! I was TRULY ready to let go of him. He opened my life up to a world of happiness in which I had never dreamed of! Thanks to him, I have finally found what I deserve and what I have known I have needed and wanted all along. I got my life back.... and I couldn't be more thankful.
And while I am giving out thanks, I might as well thank the most amazing person I have ever met, Ricky, for putting my heart back together and adding the one thing that was missing.... genuine, unconditional....LOVE ! I love you so much and I will spend each day showing you just that!
<3 <3 <3
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and don't lean on your own understanding. In all things acknowledge him, and he shall direct your way" ~ Proverbs 3:5,6
