another piece of me...

As you can probably tell from my recent posts, I have a whole lot going on inside. What you might not know, is that I not only use music as my outlet, but I draw. Drawing is a form of expression that links my heart to my hands with an uncanny ability to replicate my emotions. My dad, is an amazing artist. He can do just about anything! Paint, draw, sculpt, sew, build, and the list goes on! He can make a masterpiece out of anything you lay in his hands, it is absolutely amazing. He is by far the most talented person I have ever encountered, and I thank my lucky stars I have been blessed with a fraction of his brilliant gift. So I thought I would share some of my artwork since I have shared just about everything else with you. Give me a piece of paper and some charcoal or a pencil, and you can see my heart pour out on paper...... just another little piece of me.
thanks dad!

So what, so i've got a smile on....

So today i cried for the first time in a long while.....i think i just crossed the bridge of realizing that yes, this is the end point of the past and the beginning of the future. The evocation of a mixture of emotions that were both overwhelming and humbling.

In my studies here, I have learned that we must treat the patient, as a whole, and not just the illness. To understand how their symptoms manifest internally and how those ailments impact their life as a whole. As the tears streamed down my face, I realized that it is not just the heart that I need to heal, but my soul and its entirety. My evening dreams are distant memories that losing their luster and although my face never shows the pain inside, it is there.... fading slowly.....but still very much there. This reminds me of my favorite john mayer quote of all time "so what so I've got a smile on, but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head." I am always smiling....I hate the pain of seeing someone else's frown. But deep down there is an abundance of raw emotion all swimming together in a pool of uncertainty. I am not sure which are genuine or which are artifacts of a broken heart. Generally speaking, I am a mess :) But an overall happy mess, with feelings I just can't explain. Which is why I cried. Because no one, not even my self can understand what this all means. I can't even begin to culminate the past, present and future, because the past doesn't match up with today and today doesn't match up with the future. I feel like I am existing in this temporary state of insanity. A surreal happiness. Like I am playing a note that doesn't fit in the chord, but somehow sounds beautiful. The truth is, I am happy. I smile because I feel good, I smile because my heart knows I did the right thing. But then there are my moments of weakness and vulnerability. I walked out of something I wasn't ready to finish. Because I had to, because it was over. So while I enjoy the bliss of the here and now, I wind up "craving" a past that will never exist again. I should be happy right? I have people showing me the way things SHOULD be, I live in paradise, and I am studying something I have always wanted to.
So Doc... how do I get better? How do I relieve the burdens bestowed upon me? I wish there were a lecture on a broken heart and the holistic approach to healing one's soul. But there isn't, so I will stumble through..... with a smile of course.... and "this will all make perfect sense someday."

settling back in

Week one of semester two is over, and already my head is spinning! Where is the gradual warm up? The review!? Silly me, I am a semester two now.... that means diving right in head first and hoping that you can stay afloat!!! The information isn't terribly difficult, it is just the shear amount of information we need to learn in a very short period of time! Makes me want to pull my hair out just thinking about it!
The island seems more beautiful now than before. The weather is absolutely perfect! Still hot of course, but the nice breeze and mild nights are perfect! All of the new semester has joined us as well. It is unbelievably easy to point them out in a crowd. They are the ones carrying their id's on their shirts, oversized back packs because they haven't realized how to condense, sweating profusely since their bodies haven't adapted, and they were the ones partying last night, because they still have no idea what they are in for! Like me, they will soon see that medical school is no joke. It means business right from the start! So it is a Saturday morning, and I am up early, getting ready to spend an entire day studying neuroscience and anatomy of the head and neck. Pretty awesome stuff, but overwhelming to say the least.
Life is comfortable here. I was excited to come back. This is my home as of right now, after the divorce, it is all I have left. I have my friends, family and my main concentration, school.... which is really all I need right now. I am thankful for my resiliency and strong inner happiness, because this transition is rather easy. Of course there is the occasional questioning as to why I took the path I did, or why I wasn't enough for the person I was supposed to spend my life with. But if I keep asking myself "why me" or "what if", I will probably miss out on the "what's next" that is lurking around the corner. :)
I love this place..... time to focus... and perhaps catch a few rays at the beach if I can!!!

in a blink of an eye....

Once second you are laughing talking about complete randomness with your friend.... and the next you can hardly breathe. It was the loudest thump I have ever heard.... the car raised up in the air as if we were to have hit a speed bump without slowing. The scream was bone chilling. Nine gasps.... silence.......shock. And finally aware of what had happened, a sense of panic filled the air. She couldn't have been more than 5 years old... and she lay motionless on the ground. Her mother, saw the whole thing.

My cab ride home is usually pretty frightening. Winding roads, crazy drivers, and scary cliffs. But this time frightening does not describe how the 8 of us felt. In a blink of an eye a child may have lost her life. It happened so fast, and there was nothing the driver could have done. The young girl ran out in the road so fast there wasn't even time to hit the breaks. Watching them lift her motionless body into the back of a pickup truck was heartbreaking. The cries of the family that had witnessed still ring in my ears. But then there was the driver. I tried my hardest to hold back tears as he ran to her, and realized what he had done. He was in shock and he was hurting..... and I am sure that is just the beginning of his emotions at that time.
We all felt helpless and scared. The locals were enraged, and we began to worry about our own safety. It was an accident.... but try to tell a mother or father of a child whose life hangs in the balance, that it was an accident. There are no words to console them.... they are angry. They toy with the idea of revenge. What is unfortunate about Dominica, is regardless of whether there was fault, this poor man will likely spend life in prison if she doesn't make it. That would be two lives lost because of a freak accident. So please pray for them both, and of course the family who undoubtedly is going through the most horrifying time in their life. And for all of us in the car, I am sure this will be a nightmare we will never forget.

keeping ME alive....

Cheers 2010! Getting ready to head back to the Island I now call home.... but reflecting on a few things before I begin to live again....
After the year I had, I am thankful that I get the chance for a fresh start! A chance to find true happiness. Daily laughs, crying because I am happy, and loving like I have never loved before. And by that I mean Love myself. I don't know how I let it get as far as I did, but somehow I lost myself. I forgot all the amazing qualities I have, and the reasons I have family and friends that love me. I cared too much about one person, a person who did not have the capacity to reciprocate. I spend every waking day trying to make someone else happy and forgot that there was no one there to worry about if I was happy. And trust, Love does not equal happiness. Happiness isn't a feeling....it is a state of being. It is about being totally content without trying. I guess that is where I went wrong. I tried... I tried a lot and tried hard. Although I knew it was never enough. I tried to go with the flow, tried to please, because that is what I was good at. But none of that ever really mattered. What mattered is that I had forgotten what it felt like to be treated like I meant something to someone. I forgot what it felt like to walk out of the room after getting ready for a night out and have someone say "wow you look amazing." or have someone say how happy they were to have me in their life. There was never an occasion for "just because" or "I was thinking of you." I can't remember the last time he went out of his way to do anything for me. Well actually I can... I was taking the MCATs 4 years ago and he had dinner waiting when I came home. Never again did he go out of his way to do something special for me if it wasn't a major holiday or birthday. And even then, he was usually off the mark. Right before we were about to get married, I did second guess myself. It was my birthday a few years back and he said he had a surprise for me. Which as you can imagine, I was beyond excited for since they don't happen often. I got out of work and he said we had to go. So we walk to the front of my apartment complex and there was a limo waiting to take us out to dinner and clubs. All the people standing outside the limo were HIS friends. Talk about awkward. Well he had called some of my friends but they said they couldn't make it. But that wasn't the point. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not the flashy, party type. In fact, him and I have had the convo before about how I am not all about spending a bunch of money on a limo to go out and party. Actually, I think it is kinda stupid. Especially cause I rarely drink! It is the thought that counts right? Well obviously there was no thought. HE would have loved that as a birthday present because he is the flashy, party boy type. But was he really thinking about what I would like? My guess is no. So I started to think to myself. Is this guy really that into me? Does he know who I really am? It would be a rookie mistake for someone who doesn't know me at all, but after 4.5 years?
So looking back on my past, my most important new years resolution is to keep ME alive. Who am I? What have I always loved? What is important to ME? and what is it that I want out of MY life. This doesn't mean being selfish and not thinking of others. One of my best qualities is my passion and love for others. But, it is okay for someone to treat me with the respect I deserve. It is okay to have the nerves to stand up for myself......put myself out there 100% and not worry if someone likes me or doesn't..... to tell it like it is...... to NOT be okay with something and be able to say no. I know what I want. I want daily happiness, I want to overcome the challenges I am faced with, I want success and most of all, I want a family and LOVE. If I have learned anything out of the poor hand I was dealt, it is that you can never lose yourself. I hope that 2010 brings a better year for all of us.... but most importantly I hope that myself, and anyone who reads this can try and find true happiness in their life. <3