dreams of domestication...

Being domestic is often stigmatized... but for me, sometimes it is all I dream of.

Waking up early to make coffee for my man, sit with him while he eats his breakfast and see him off to work, waving as he leaves, clean the house so it is spotless upon his return, watching soaps, going to the grocery store and preparing an all day meal with dessert, doing some laundry, taking my sweet time showering and pampering myself to look beautiful for him as he comes home from work....all while being 7 months pregnant and loving every second of it.

It is unfortunate, but most women would probably think I am crazy for saying I dream of a day like that. It is true, I can't wait to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen! My good friend in Valdosta used to tell people that all she wanted was to be a house wife and getting a college degree was just for show. I specifically recall my boss saying how tragic it was, and what a waste it was for her. What is tragic about that? Why is wanting a family and to be home such a terrible thing? I just don't understand the logic of it. And after spending the past year on an island with no grocery store, no bathtub, a maid, absolutely no spare time, and no ability to be domestic, it is all i really long for. Some days I just find myself wishing I could bake up a killer meal and dessert, equipped with a beautiful place setting with a fresh flower centerpiece and real silverware!, followed by an evening candle-lit bubble bath where we find ourselves counting the million reasons why we are perfect for each other. (I know... my tragic flaw, I dream everything in detail, as perfect as I could imagine and hold it to my ambitions of reality.)

There are times I worry is that being a doctor will take away from the thing I want the most... Family. I want to see my children grow up, never missing a milestone. I want to be a loving wife who maintains intimacy and romance until we are old and grey. I want the dog, the house, the white picket fence, the family christmas photos, the school plays and football games. I want it all... but all while being a doctor? I sure hope so. I have a simple dream. It is centered around a wholesome, beautiful marriage, that blossoms into a family and a lifetime of happiness. What I have come to realize is that the career is just something that pays the bills, the rest, the family and life of love that I build it is what is most important to me!

well back to day-dreaming for me... puts a constant smile on my face and it is a lot more fun than studying!

Losing You, Regaining My Life

It was about this time last semester that i had a free moment to write.... for the same reason... being my motivation has escaped me once again.

July 16.... I am amazed and in awe thinking about my life today as compared to one year ago. One year ago today, I was probably sitting in my lame office feeding squirrels outside my office door. I love squirrels! Watching them eat is probably one of the cutest things I have ever seen, but then again, I am a sucker for just about anything to do with animals! I love my randomness, I was just about to delete that, but random thoughts are what make blogs interesting! Anyways, I was content sitting in that boring effortless job, because I had known i was getting ready to leave my job and start this incredible journey by MYSELF. It is apparent to me now that I had no idea what I was about to do. I was about to change my life forever. Of course I knew I was making a decision that would better my career, but I had no idea that it would turn the world I knew upside-down. If I had consciously knew what was about to happen, I may have never left....which would have been a HUGE mistake!

It was a frenzy of signs, starting from the day I got here. Why would he refuse to go on his computer in front of me? Why was all of our passwords changed? Why did he turn his phone off at night and keep it on silent during the days? When it came time for him to leave me here, I cried as if I KNEW I would never see him again. When you "love" someone and have to leave them, you should cry because you don't want to be away from them, not because you feel like it is the end. This was my instincts firing off alarm signals telling me that I knew something was wrong all along. As days passed here on this little island, my tears became more abundant and my heart knew exactly what was happening. The ironic part about it is that these things that were happening while we were apart, were the same sort of things happening while we were together, living under the same roof, that I just somehow ignored. In reality, I was blinded. Perhaps repressing what I knew was undeniably true. But as with all deceit, it all came to light, front and center... a giant monster that I knew I had to defeat. Perhaps that is what I am most proud of. My strength in conviction. My ability to remain strong, to succeed in school and let go of someone that never should have been a part of my life in the first place. As I sit and reflect....I get a sense that I WANTED this to happen. And I don't mean that I wanted to experience on of the greatest pains and stresses of my life, but rather, I wanted to leave. Honestly, what happily married person would volunteer themselves to move away from the life that they had made, to live 16 months on a deserted island? When I think about it, if I was genuinely happy and loved my life, I wouldn't have made that decision. I have been conditioned, if you will, to LOVE. But I know very well, that LOVE is not something that you turn off and on. Love is a feeling that never goes away, Love is what keeps two hearts together, two hearts that would not willingly choose to be separated. Ironically, I had heard several times from my ex that he wanted to go on certain trips for the AF and that he would do whatever he could within his squadron to be able to go. He would blatantly talk to his colleagues about how unhappy he was with his wife who "never does anything, and is letting herself go" and he wanted to get away..... he had a wandering eye... and there was only so much his friend could do to stop him. It was amazing how much people will tell you if you just ask. So why did he continue to "pretend" that he was happy? Better yet, why did I pretend I was happy? I knew he commented all the time about me not doing anything, or constantly ask if I were going to the gym or what I ate or why I liked to sleep so much. I could always tell he needed to be doing something, and was unhappy if he felt he was missing out on something everyone else was doing. I mean why did I put up with someone who was obviously not happy with me? Someone who did things that made me unhappy on a daily basis, someone who was NEVER there for me. I guess the reason I am choosing to write all this is because I can see it all now. Of course he made the mistakes of lying daily and being unfaithful, but I spent each day lying to myself. I am just as guilty here.

He is amazing. He is charming, funny, incredibly sexy, intelligent, kind-hearted, motivated.... and most importantly, he treats me better than I could ever hope for. Valentines day... he approached me handing me a single rose and one of the cutest check yes or no "Will you be my Valentine" cards he had made on the computer. The ironic thing, is I had seen him plenty of times, but I had never really met him. I always stared at his sexy bald head and laughed every time I heard his laugh! (It is classic, trust me!) So, after the cute and mildly awkward approach, he introduced himself and asked me to hang out sometime. Of course I brushed him off slightly. (Sorry Love!) The LAST thing I was looking for was to date. Let alone tell the crazy story that I recently had my heart broken by my a cheating ex husband. So I gave him my Facebook info and we began sending messages back and forth. You know the basic "where are you from and what do you like to do" questions. I remember saying "27, happily divorced... always a conversation killer" and was completely scared of his response. But to my surprise, his response was "So here is a random fact about me, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I'm kind of...how do you say nuts about you. (that's my conversation killer)" AHHH sigh of relief! He could care less that I am divorced! After we started talking, I couldn't help myself from staring at him every day. There was just something about his eyes, something that I couldn't resist. I slowly began to think that it wouldn't be such a bad idea to hang out with him. So when he asked if we could hang out again, and this time I said yes. We met at the beach and had some great conversation and lots of laughs. But the best part was the kiss ;) not to spill all the details, but OMG, his lips were amazing and sent chills down my spine! I was glowing inside. We seemed to hit it off instantly. I just was so unbelievably attracted to him and his personality! Though we have completely different backgrounds, he and I share the same basic morals and want virtually the same things out of life. Some of the greatest appeals were that he doesn't drink, he insists on honesty, he wants a big family, he values a marriage, and he is perfectly content sitting at home doing nothing and just "being" with me. When I think about him, I couldn't even dream up a better match for me. But don't get me wrong, we have a lot of differences too! But just enough difference to make us MORE compatible. (he is the glass-half-empty and I am the glass-half-full)

I truly believe that I was sent to this crazy little island for a reason. "Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents, but rather a tapestry of events that culminate into an exquisite sublime plan." I am thankful of that broken road that lead me to him! For once in my life, I don't feel like I have to worry about what my significant other is doing behind my back, and I have complete faith that if he is going to be there for the rest of my life, he will be there through everything as a supporting, loving husband, excited about providing for his family, and trying to create the best life he can for them. He is an angel sent from heaven's gates.

So looking back, I guess if I had the chance to say anything to my EX, it would be THANK YOU! I was TRULY ready to let go of him. He opened my life up to a world of happiness in which I had never dreamed of! Thanks to him, I have finally found what I deserve and what I have known I have needed and wanted all along. I got my life back.... and I couldn't be more thankful.

And while I am giving out thanks, I might as well thank the most amazing person I have ever met, Ricky, for putting my heart back together and adding the one thing that was missing.... genuine, unconditional....LOVE ! I love you so much and I will spend each day showing you just that!

<3 <3 <3


“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and don't lean on your own understanding. In all things acknowledge him, and he shall direct your way" ~ Proverbs 3:5,6

sono felice.....

wow! it has been way too long!

due to my lack of motivation/energy I have a free moment to catch you up on the last couple months. Semester two has been no joke. Starting off with the schedule, no more cupcake days, the subjects become more intense and the amount of studying has increased immensely. I walked into this semester looking forward to the dawn breaking. The darkness of my life slowly subsided and my heart became whole agin. I have been blessed with an amazing ability to see the best in every situation. I thank God for giving me the strength to get through and move on. Better yet, I thank my ex for showing me how life is NOT supposed to be, and how amazing of a woman I am. He couldn't break me, and I am stronger for all he put me through.

So the page has turned, and the chapter is unveiling a tapestry of fated events that have my heart beating stronger than ever. Sono Felice..... I am happy. I have so many reasons to smile, but there is definitely a special someone who keeps that smile engrained on my face. He makes me feel like I am back in high school crushing hardcore. He tore down every wall I built around my heart, as if it had never been broken in the first place. I can feel my heart beat faster just looking into his eyes.

So many people ask me "how can you trust again?"...... "do you hate all men now?" To get the record straight... I am not afraid, and what happened to me is not indicative of the entire male population. You can't live life afraid of what might happen, because in reality, most people are innately good. Trust is EVERYTHING. Trust is something you build, and once it has been broken, it is usually beyond repair. So I have learned my lesson.... look for HONESTY, RESPECT, LOVE.... everything else will work itself out. As they say... L’amore si trova nel tuo cuore non per resarci, ma per essere condiviso..... love is in the heart not to stay, but to be shared..... can't let one bad inning take you out of the game right?

So enough about my love life... back to school.....
I just got back from Roseau where the Neuroscience Society put on a health clinic for the locals. We measured, blood glucose, blood pressure, BMI and vision and then gave them some pointers as to how they lead a healthier lifestyle. It was an awesome experience but also humbling. It is amazing how much we take for granted back in the states. For some, this is the only time they are able to get these services because they don't have the money to pay for lab tests or doctor visits. Even worse, is that someone diagnosed with diabetes can't even afford the vital tools needed to control their disease.... which could wind them up in the hospital paying even more money for something that could have been prevented in the first place. It is absolutely heartbreaking....... and for anyone who knows me, I want to help everyone. But more and more I see how that is not possible. When I finally become a doctor, I will do my best to give back and make as much of a difference as I possibly can.

On that note, mini two down... all A's and a B so far.... gotta keep it up which means time to try and regain focus!

another piece of me...

As you can probably tell from my recent posts, I have a whole lot going on inside. What you might not know, is that I not only use music as my outlet, but I draw. Drawing is a form of expression that links my heart to my hands with an uncanny ability to replicate my emotions. My dad, is an amazing artist. He can do just about anything! Paint, draw, sculpt, sew, build, and the list goes on! He can make a masterpiece out of anything you lay in his hands, it is absolutely amazing. He is by far the most talented person I have ever encountered, and I thank my lucky stars I have been blessed with a fraction of his brilliant gift. So I thought I would share some of my artwork since I have shared just about everything else with you. Give me a piece of paper and some charcoal or a pencil, and you can see my heart pour out on paper...... just another little piece of me.
thanks dad!

So what, so i've got a smile on....

So today i cried for the first time in a long while.....i think i just crossed the bridge of realizing that yes, this is the end point of the past and the beginning of the future. The evocation of a mixture of emotions that were both overwhelming and humbling.

In my studies here, I have learned that we must treat the patient, as a whole, and not just the illness. To understand how their symptoms manifest internally and how those ailments impact their life as a whole. As the tears streamed down my face, I realized that it is not just the heart that I need to heal, but my soul and its entirety. My evening dreams are distant memories that losing their luster and although my face never shows the pain inside, it is there.... fading slowly.....but still very much there. This reminds me of my favorite john mayer quote of all time "so what so I've got a smile on, but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head." I am always smiling....I hate the pain of seeing someone else's frown. But deep down there is an abundance of raw emotion all swimming together in a pool of uncertainty. I am not sure which are genuine or which are artifacts of a broken heart. Generally speaking, I am a mess :) But an overall happy mess, with feelings I just can't explain. Which is why I cried. Because no one, not even my self can understand what this all means. I can't even begin to culminate the past, present and future, because the past doesn't match up with today and today doesn't match up with the future. I feel like I am existing in this temporary state of insanity. A surreal happiness. Like I am playing a note that doesn't fit in the chord, but somehow sounds beautiful. The truth is, I am happy. I smile because I feel good, I smile because my heart knows I did the right thing. But then there are my moments of weakness and vulnerability. I walked out of something I wasn't ready to finish. Because I had to, because it was over. So while I enjoy the bliss of the here and now, I wind up "craving" a past that will never exist again. I should be happy right? I have people showing me the way things SHOULD be, I live in paradise, and I am studying something I have always wanted to.
So Doc... how do I get better? How do I relieve the burdens bestowed upon me? I wish there were a lecture on a broken heart and the holistic approach to healing one's soul. But there isn't, so I will stumble through..... with a smile of course.... and "this will all make perfect sense someday."

settling back in

Week one of semester two is over, and already my head is spinning! Where is the gradual warm up? The review!? Silly me, I am a semester two now.... that means diving right in head first and hoping that you can stay afloat!!! The information isn't terribly difficult, it is just the shear amount of information we need to learn in a very short period of time! Makes me want to pull my hair out just thinking about it!
The island seems more beautiful now than before. The weather is absolutely perfect! Still hot of course, but the nice breeze and mild nights are perfect! All of the new semester has joined us as well. It is unbelievably easy to point them out in a crowd. They are the ones carrying their id's on their shirts, oversized back packs because they haven't realized how to condense, sweating profusely since their bodies haven't adapted, and they were the ones partying last night, because they still have no idea what they are in for! Like me, they will soon see that medical school is no joke. It means business right from the start! So it is a Saturday morning, and I am up early, getting ready to spend an entire day studying neuroscience and anatomy of the head and neck. Pretty awesome stuff, but overwhelming to say the least.
Life is comfortable here. I was excited to come back. This is my home as of right now, after the divorce, it is all I have left. I have my friends, family and my main concentration, school.... which is really all I need right now. I am thankful for my resiliency and strong inner happiness, because this transition is rather easy. Of course there is the occasional questioning as to why I took the path I did, or why I wasn't enough for the person I was supposed to spend my life with. But if I keep asking myself "why me" or "what if", I will probably miss out on the "what's next" that is lurking around the corner. :)
I love this place..... time to focus... and perhaps catch a few rays at the beach if I can!!!

in a blink of an eye....

Once second you are laughing talking about complete randomness with your friend.... and the next you can hardly breathe. It was the loudest thump I have ever heard.... the car raised up in the air as if we were to have hit a speed bump without slowing. The scream was bone chilling. Nine gasps.... silence.......shock. And finally aware of what had happened, a sense of panic filled the air. She couldn't have been more than 5 years old... and she lay motionless on the ground. Her mother, saw the whole thing.

My cab ride home is usually pretty frightening. Winding roads, crazy drivers, and scary cliffs. But this time frightening does not describe how the 8 of us felt. In a blink of an eye a child may have lost her life. It happened so fast, and there was nothing the driver could have done. The young girl ran out in the road so fast there wasn't even time to hit the breaks. Watching them lift her motionless body into the back of a pickup truck was heartbreaking. The cries of the family that had witnessed still ring in my ears. But then there was the driver. I tried my hardest to hold back tears as he ran to her, and realized what he had done. He was in shock and he was hurting..... and I am sure that is just the beginning of his emotions at that time.
We all felt helpless and scared. The locals were enraged, and we began to worry about our own safety. It was an accident.... but try to tell a mother or father of a child whose life hangs in the balance, that it was an accident. There are no words to console them.... they are angry. They toy with the idea of revenge. What is unfortunate about Dominica, is regardless of whether there was fault, this poor man will likely spend life in prison if she doesn't make it. That would be two lives lost because of a freak accident. So please pray for them both, and of course the family who undoubtedly is going through the most horrifying time in their life. And for all of us in the car, I am sure this will be a nightmare we will never forget.

keeping ME alive....

Cheers 2010! Getting ready to head back to the Island I now call home.... but reflecting on a few things before I begin to live again....
After the year I had, I am thankful that I get the chance for a fresh start! A chance to find true happiness. Daily laughs, crying because I am happy, and loving like I have never loved before. And by that I mean Love myself. I don't know how I let it get as far as I did, but somehow I lost myself. I forgot all the amazing qualities I have, and the reasons I have family and friends that love me. I cared too much about one person, a person who did not have the capacity to reciprocate. I spend every waking day trying to make someone else happy and forgot that there was no one there to worry about if I was happy. And trust, Love does not equal happiness. Happiness isn't a feeling....it is a state of being. It is about being totally content without trying. I guess that is where I went wrong. I tried... I tried a lot and tried hard. Although I knew it was never enough. I tried to go with the flow, tried to please, because that is what I was good at. But none of that ever really mattered. What mattered is that I had forgotten what it felt like to be treated like I meant something to someone. I forgot what it felt like to walk out of the room after getting ready for a night out and have someone say "wow you look amazing." or have someone say how happy they were to have me in their life. There was never an occasion for "just because" or "I was thinking of you." I can't remember the last time he went out of his way to do anything for me. Well actually I can... I was taking the MCATs 4 years ago and he had dinner waiting when I came home. Never again did he go out of his way to do something special for me if it wasn't a major holiday or birthday. And even then, he was usually off the mark. Right before we were about to get married, I did second guess myself. It was my birthday a few years back and he said he had a surprise for me. Which as you can imagine, I was beyond excited for since they don't happen often. I got out of work and he said we had to go. So we walk to the front of my apartment complex and there was a limo waiting to take us out to dinner and clubs. All the people standing outside the limo were HIS friends. Talk about awkward. Well he had called some of my friends but they said they couldn't make it. But that wasn't the point. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not the flashy, party type. In fact, him and I have had the convo before about how I am not all about spending a bunch of money on a limo to go out and party. Actually, I think it is kinda stupid. Especially cause I rarely drink! It is the thought that counts right? Well obviously there was no thought. HE would have loved that as a birthday present because he is the flashy, party boy type. But was he really thinking about what I would like? My guess is no. So I started to think to myself. Is this guy really that into me? Does he know who I really am? It would be a rookie mistake for someone who doesn't know me at all, but after 4.5 years?
So looking back on my past, my most important new years resolution is to keep ME alive. Who am I? What have I always loved? What is important to ME? and what is it that I want out of MY life. This doesn't mean being selfish and not thinking of others. One of my best qualities is my passion and love for others. But, it is okay for someone to treat me with the respect I deserve. It is okay to have the nerves to stand up for myself......put myself out there 100% and not worry if someone likes me or doesn't..... to tell it like it is...... to NOT be okay with something and be able to say no. I know what I want. I want daily happiness, I want to overcome the challenges I am faced with, I want success and most of all, I want a family and LOVE. If I have learned anything out of the poor hand I was dealt, it is that you can never lose yourself. I hope that 2010 brings a better year for all of us.... but most importantly I hope that myself, and anyone who reads this can try and find true happiness in their life. <3