sweet anticipation.....

Okay I will start with apologies for not writing in so long! My life has been a crazy, beautiful mess lately...but I finally have my feet grounded!
Here are a few updates....
Semester one of medical school .... CHECK!
Moved out of house in GA.... check
Signed divorce papers.....check
Said bye to my baby Bentley..... wish i wasn't saying "check" here
Holidays with the family..... in progress!
Put my life back together... CHECK!
So you are probably wondering how I handled all of this? As gracefully as I knew how that is for sure. My last month in school was terrible and amazing at the same time! It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I spent most nights arguing with my husband who insisted that we get marriage counseling and continually called me immature and a "coward" for not giving him a THIRD chance, because "a marriage is about working through things together". Talk about making me laugh. He probably should have thought about that before he brought another woman in our life and decided that partying and lying to his wife was more important than supporting her.
So even though it felt like I couldn't escape the drama, my friends came through to save me. Great friends.... friends who picked me up at rock bottom and guided me through the darkness. If it weren't for them, well, I wouldn't know how I would have gotten through it.
And then of course is my family. My amazing family. My sister flew down to help me pack up my belongings and helped me get through what seemed the longest hardest days of my life..... the ending of the last 7 years.. and the beginning of my future.
Leaving my dog broke my heart.... still does... brings tears just writing about it. It is so sad to have to give up something that means so much to you, something that never broke your heart and was always there for you. If only men could be like dogs haha.
Signing divorce papers was actually liberating. I can't figure out why I let myself believe that what he put me through was okay. I remember having a very very long convo with one of my great friends in Dominica a month before I found out about my "husband's" deceit. I pretty much told him the life story about my "husband" and I before shit hit the fan. And even then, my friend asked me why I put up with the things I do. He said I deserve so much more. After about 3 hours of conversation with him, I realized that he was right. It takes someone point out what bothers you to realize that it really isn't okay. The person who put in the effort, went the extra mile, had unconditional love and support was me.... never him. Our life wasn't about US, it was about HIM. When I was uncomfortable with something, I was forced to deal with it. Well now I don't have to deal with it. I don't have to wonder if he is telling me the truth, wonder what he is hiding from me or cry myself to sleep at night. He can't ever hurt me again and that is a great feeling.
It couldn't be better timing actually..... New year, new semester, NEW LIFE.
For everyone who has been there for me... THANK YOU, you know who you are! And I am also thanking God for the sweet surprises along the way!!! ;) Here is to a NEW BEGINNING! Something I like to call sweet anticipation.......

I've still got my glass slipper!

Who really defined stress? Webster's defines it as pressure or tension exerted on a material object... or a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances. I would love to say that exerted pressure tension or demanding circumstances was all of it.... but that would just be the tip of the iceberg. In exactly 16 days I will sign divorce papers, move out of my home, leave my friends, and most heartbreaking thing of all, say goodbye to my dog. I have such anxiety for that day..... walking into that house, knowing that when I close the door, I will never see it again. That means I will never sleep in my bed again, never hang out with my neighbors, never make dinner in my kitchen, never play with my dog in the backyard ever again. My dog has been more important to me than anything and i can't stop the constant flow of tears every time i think about it. Stress to me is uncharted territory... what's next? I would like to hope that my share of heart ache is over with. My dream of happily ever after, turned to dust well before the clock struck midnight.... which is hardly a fairy tale at all. I guess if I haven't lost my glass slipper yet, my prince charming can't find it right? He is out there... I know... God would not have taught me to have such passion, love and honesty if there wasn't someone out there to share it with. Someone who has the capacity to love with all of their heart and who believes that a fairy tale can exist.

16 days and I will have finished my first semester of medical school. Which in itself is a step in the right direction. My only prayer is that he will guide me through the darkness.......

note to self....

Soul searching has led me to a heightened level of self-awareness. I have spent the past two weeks trying to understand myself. Trying to find a link between my heart and my head. Not only have I come to integrate the two, but I have also found some pieces of me that have been hiding for awhile now.
Note to self....
you wake up in the morning for the pure pleasure of inhaling the aroma of fresh brewed coffee.
you sing, even when you know people can hear you.
you have the biggest heart and even have the capacity to share it with strangers.
you believe in the power of prayer and the Lord's guidance.
your family is you reason you are a good person.
you look better as a blonde.
you are sentimental.
you couldn't live with out your ipod.
you are a strong woman
you would rather give gifts than receive.
you are quirky.
you wish you could eat chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I have to believe everything happens for a reason. Light was shed on the darkness in my life so that the burdens became front and center and I could handle them head on. I will get through this because of who I am.
Note to self..... thank you.


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths.
- Proverbs 3:5,6

Eternal summer!

November what??
Everyday here is eternal summer.... I sweat in a tank top and get sunburned on my way to class. No crisp air, pumpkins, scarecrows, falling leaves or day light savings time. I have completely forgot what month I am in! I miss the change of seasons so much. I miss being surrounded by the autumn smells and harvest decor. The warm apple pie cooking in the oven or applesauce on the stove and smell of the burning pumpkin after it is lit for halloween. I miss home so much. Like I have said before, it is the little things after all that stay with us forever.

But I guess November means good things..... I have exactly 4 weeks left of class. I have done well on my tests so far and this is the home stretch... literally. I can almost taste the Starbucks now ;) Definitely my first stop when I get to the states!

1 month 1 week until I fly home... and 45 days till Christmas! Yes I'm counting!!!

simplicity....

I am in medical school, and of course that means NOTHING is simple. If there is one thing I have learned from island life, it is that the simple things in life are often the most valuable. To be truthful, I have never been the type to take things for granted. I always appreciate life and its virtuosity, knowing that it could all be taken away in a moments time. But I have to admit, I see myself noticing the simple pleasures of life more and more every day.

the companionship of a stray dog walking me to class
a sincere smile of a young girl, as I wave to her passing by
the smell of fresh (unpolluted) air while walking to class
the feeling of accomplishment of learning something new
an encouraging word from a friend
a fresh cup of passionfruit juice
walking.... everywhere
the sunset

When you are physically, emotionally and mentally drained, you really have to step back and relax. Let go of everything inside and just appreciate life. Appreciate all those little things that make you smile, appreciate the things that make you feel free from the stress that consumes your life. So perhaps, tomorrow, take a step back and find something that you have been overlooking, simplify something, or admire something new. And once you find one thing, find another.... and another.... it is then, that simplicity takes residence in your life and you will feel happier, healthier and overall feel like a better YOU!

99 problems but anatomy isn't one.....

anxiety, anger, humility, intimidation, confidence, despair, elation.... I never though I would experience all of these in a period of 50 days. Between tests, relationships and general fatigue, I can't believe that I am still standing at this very moment. I realized for the first time, how strong of a person I truly am. I have overcome so many obstacles to get here, and now that I am here it feels like it is an even harder battle. So far I have persevered and I feel like I owe that to a few special things: my ipod, my desktop picture of Mr. Bentley, my family in VT, my friends here, my macbook , my pooh bear, and my deodorant. You can laugh, but seriously, I have realize how it is the little things along with the hard work and determination within, that can get you through even the toughest of times. I just completed week six, three tests down, 4 more and a final to go. In the past few weeks I met a new friend.......





His name is baby Netter's... my anatomy bible. I am also becoming quite fond of Mr. Lippincott, although he has been hiding out for a few weeks. My life is medical school right now, I eat, sleep and breath course work and I barely have enough time to devote to this blog. But at the end of the day how do I feel? Happy, excited, anxious knowing that I am one day closer to pursing my dream. Each day I am astonished as to how much information I have learned, and I look forward to the next day, and the next day and the next after that. WIth everything in my life being turned upside down, I am content knowing that I am here..... I made it.... I am making it... and I have determination to succeed. I am holding it together because...... I WANT THIS.

I see dead people....

It has been a few days since the mini and life is still pretty crazy over here in Jurassic Park!

First thing is first......the mini. Leaving the mini I actually felt okay. I knew I didn't bomb the test, and actually I though I did pretty well. The worst part about the entire thing was waiting 4 days to get my grade!!! I did pretty well! Of course I feel that I could have done more studying , but over all, I feel like I was well prepared.

So that was Monday, and I had zero time to recuperate. Friday was my histology lab exam. And once again I think I did okay, but the grades haven't come out yet. Just to top off the two weeks they decide to throw in a gross anatomy practical next Thursday. This is when they tag certain structures on our cadavers and we have to answer primary and secondary questions about the tagged item. You have a time restraint and cannot touch the body, and to make it worse, the cover up the rest of the body so you can't tell what area you are looking at. So basically, you must know EVERYTHING. Location, visual appearance, innervation, origin, insertion, arterial supply and of course it's function. FABULOUS RIGHT? I have spent at least 8 hours in the lab in the past two days, and I am literally seeing dead people! I shower and I think of the anastomosis of the elbow and I dream about the common flexors of the forearm, and the creepy looking hands with no skin on them! It is driving me NUTS!!!!
Lucky for us, the teacher assistants are giving us a practice practical today. So at least I practice taking the test and see where I am lacking.

As for general life here, I am content. This place isn't so bad, and really you don't have time to think about it at all. EVERYTHING I do revolves around school. I only wish I could get a bit more exercise and better food. I am going to try to find time to go for a daily run. I need to keep myself healthy and relieve some stress, because overall, this is not going to get easier, it is going to get much harder. Regarless, I say BRING IT! I am ready for it!!!

Information OVERLOAD!!!!

I can hear sirens running though my head... "WARNING WARNING.... INFORMATION OVERLOAD" I almost feel as if normal language is non existent at the moment. I just have random things running through my head! To give you an idea of the amount of information I have to know for this "mini" just take a looksie......
Histology: complete cell biology (a whole books worth), epithelia, connective tissue, cartilage and bone.
Biochemistry: biomacromolecules, carbonic acid buffer system, carbohydrates, lipids, enzymes, amino acids, proteins, RNA, DNA, transcription, translation, viruses, gene expression, chromosomal diseases, the human genome project and biotechnology.
Anatomy: the muscles, nerves, arteries, and function of the back, the pectoral region, the spinal cord, the scapular region, the arm the forearm and the hand. oh, and of course the clinical correlations if one of the above were injured.
Physiology: membrane potential, transport, osmolarity, tonicity, action potentials, blah blah blah...
Doctor Patient Society: alcoholism, spinal cord injury, cystic fibrosis, how to take a history, how to be a good doctor and acculturation.
So can you see why I am going absolutely nuts? It isn't that I feel like I don't know anything, cause I definitely do... it is just the pure fact of getting easily confused with this amount of information! I can only imagine what it will be like come the end of the semester!

But all in all, I am trying to remain calm. I am definitely not freaking out like some people who have stayed up till 5 am studying for the past three days. I have studied these subjects from day one. I am definitely no genius, and there are things that come easy to others that do not to me, but I feel like I have done the best I can. And with that being said, I am satisfied.
Tonight I am gonna take a hot shower, jump into my fresh, clean sheets and get some sleep. And as always, hope that my dreams don't turn into Erbs Palsy, aliphatic amino acids or beta pleated sheets!

Wish me luck tomorrow!

The Pits.....

Week 4 of medical school is finally complete! I actually had quite an interesting week. A lot of things started to click.... which is ultimately an awesome feeling. I had the privilege of dissecting the Axilla, or better known to you as the arm pit. I know, sound gross, but really you have no idea how many vital structures are contained within that small area. It was not only super neat, but it was an awesome learning experience. Instead of starring at a drawing on paper, I was able to three-dimensionally learn the structures in their anatomical position. Pretty awesome, so thank you "Harold" for donating your body to us. (yes, we named him)

So today, I saw two very strange sights while walking to school. There was a muskrat or something of the sort in flames on the side of the road?? WTF? Apparently he was an uninvited house guest. I walked about another half mile down the road, jamming out to my ipod when I look up and realize that I am about to walk straight into a COW! He is just chillin' the middle of the bridge that I need to cross. What the heck is a cow doing on a bridge? Shouldn't they be afraid of heights or something? haha. Anywho, it was pretty damn funny.

Well it is about 4 in the afternoon and it is time for me get busy. I am planning to spend the next few days at school, locked up so I have no distractions, and study everything I have learned since day one! We will see if all my studying every night has really paid off! Wish me luck.... cause Monday is the day of truth!

The truth about Jelly....

I spend an hour of my life today trying to understand what the heck Peas and Jelly had to do with my lecture on cartilage.

For just about every subject we have a different professor. The majority of those professors come from different countries and english is their second language. Today my professor redefined the theory of a "language barrier." The word cartilage sounded like carnage, and the word extracellular came out like egraclar. If it weren't for the powerpoint slides in front of me, I wouldn't even be able to distinguish what topic she was even lecturing on! The best par is after she was done explaining the subject, she decided to give an analogy. And Still, I have no idea what peas? and jelly? have to do with it. Or even if she said the words pea and jelly at all! The sad thing about this entire situation is that she will be my lecturer for the entire week on bone and cartilaginous tissue. Looks like someone is gonna have to do a lot of outside reading!

Time to get down to business.... Mini 1 is in exactly a week.

Le Miserables, without the Le and the S

Yeah, you got it. I'm miserable. I just finished my third week of class and the "mini" exam is in a week and two days. I have piles of notes to memorize and even more sample questions to attempt to answer. These questions are no joke either. Our class is 400+ students right now. They expect that by next semester, half of those people will have failed out. And let me tell you it is thanks to their ridiculous multiple choice questions. You get 120-130 questions and two hours and a half hours to do them. So with long vignettes as the questions (which takes 3 minutes to read and understand), you are supplied with five choices. Each of which are very similar, or part of a which is false or which is correct theme. So of those answers, you are quite sure you know the answer. You draw the dreaded circle around the letter and are actually quite confident that you are right. DUN DUN DUnnnnn... then you see the answer. The difference between the answer that you chose and the correct one was the prefix intra, instead of inter. So as you are trying to quickly answer this questions in the time constraint, you seem to glaze over the single important detail. WTF right? haha So now I have come to the conclusion that it isn't how much you know, it is how you are able to answer the demented questions that are thrown at you. What a boost of confidence right?? Especially when it is a topic you have studied for days and know cold!

I am also miserable for another reason. Being that I have only this weekend and next weekend left to study, I need to utilize my time wisely. I do not want to be one of the students that fails my first mini. I mean it is a BIG deal, this is the rest of my life we are talking about. But unfortunately, life's throwing some serious curve balls at me that I am having turning them into home runs. Truthfully, I shouldn't even have to dream of these things, but for some reason, in my first semester of medical school, it is all falling in on me. Why me, why now???

"I never thought I'd be in this place, there must be some mistake... and I don't know how much more I can take. I am breaking at the cracks, and everything goes black. It's another heart attack, and I can't handle that. " Thanks Colbie.

So needless to say, I am trying to get through this, lacking any real support system. (aside from my awesome friends I have met here) The one person who should be there for me right now, is falling into the background.

Colbie also said....

"If that's the way you love, you've got to learn so much.... I've cried, so go on, go on and break my heart, I'll be okay, there is nothing you can do to me, that is ever gonna break me, so go on, go on and leave my love out on the street, I am fearless, you better believe I'm fearless."

Tomorrow starts the marathon of studying, and I am leaving my worries behind, because I don't deserve that.... I deserve to be FEARLESS.

The Flight of the Bumblebee...

For those of you who know me, it was the career path that was laid out in front of me, that I chose not to take. But still, I find comfort in the soft melodies and beautiful lyrics.

My mind has been racing. I sat down to study and I felt my heart fluttering to The Flight of the Bumblebee. I can't concentrate on any one thing, let alone histology. So I opened up my playlist and began searching for a song.... and there it was. I hit play and let the lyrics filter through my mind. It was instantly clear to me as to why I was preoccupied and couldn't think. I let the music continue to play, and allowed the song to say out loud what I have been thinking all along.....

For an hour now, I have quietly echoed the lyrics in my mind.... I love music. Music is a free ticket around the world. It takes you to new depths, engages raw emotion and can often trigger things that you had forgotten. (Or maybe wish you'd forgotten) And for that, I love it. Listening to music is how I soul-search. It is how I escape from reality, even if for only a few minutes....

The face of mortality...or lack thereof

A surreal day in the Anatomy Lab.

Today I first encountered my 82 year old, male, cadaver who died of respiratory failure. As we unzipped the body bag and peered in, we saw a man. Not a cadaver for dissecting, but a man with distinct features, a man who had a story, a story that his body will eventually tell us. Although his face was partially dissected, I could see he was pretty rough around the edges. He had the reminisce of a beard and ungroomed finger and toenails, and most of all, he was obese.

Aside from the burning fumes of formaldehyde, my first day in lab was pretty awesome. Everyone reacts differently when starring at the face of mortality, but for once, I was able to look at it with an inspiring twist. Perhaps one day I will be able to prevent the problems that lead to this mans demise. On Thursday I will actually be able to do the dissecting and perhaps learn a little more about the man who graciously lent his body to science.

Sleeping Soundly...

Yay! Officially through with my first week of medical school! This may not sound like a big milestone, but it truly symbolizes my embarkment on a new profession. The dedication and determination that is required to become a medical doctor.

Today was quite a good day. For the first time I was able to relate what I learned in class, to something that has effected my own personal life. I realized, that learning biochemistry and understanding physiology creates the ground work for understanding all of the important diseases that plague us as humans. I am not gonna lie, I started to hate biochemistry at first. But the second I was able to apply the information given, I learned to be passionate about it. So I thought I would share with you what I learned today....

My Grampy and Nonie both have very similar neurodegenerative diseases, although their symptoms manifest in very different ways. Both are a result of protein misfolding. Instead of the protein forming into its alpha helical structure, it forms beta pleated sheets within the protein. These abnormally folded proteins then produce an aggregate that is unable to be degraded. This aggregate is that that a fibril or amyloid plaque. These plaques are what causes Nonie's Alzheimer's and Grampy's Parkinson's disease. Interesting huh? Regardless of whether you understand what I just shared or not, you can see how such a small disruption in our normal cell function can create many grave diseases such as the ones that affect my loved ones. I would say that today was a day of revelation and correlation. A day that truly solidifies my reason for being here in Dominica.

Today was also the White Coat Ceremony. The day where I was actually presented as a student of the medical profession. The professor placed the symbolical white coat on my shoulders and said "welcome." Welcome to the next stage in the rest of my life. I plan to take it day by day, and week by week in order to stay grounded and keep my head from spinning. So tonight after finishing my notes for all the lectures I have had this week, I will sleep soundly knowing that I have the weekend to review and solidify what I have learned.....and perhaps catch a sunset on the beach and see a few series of the football games this weekend! GO BUCS!

It's a learning thing....

So typically, when you learn something you can do one of two things with the piece of information. Remember it for the present task at hand, or remember it for the present and future.

4 days into my medical education, I learned the above lesson well. It seems that my modes of studying in undergrad came and bit me from behind. Not only has it been 4 years since I graduated, but I have learned that I never TRUELY learned anything at all. Yes, this is an exaggeration, but I spend the past few nights RE-LEARNING everything I though I already knew, plus the new information they are filling my head with! Overwhelming indeed. Every single class is related, so if you don't understand a pathway in one class, it can greatly hinder your understanding of another subject. Note to self, LEARN EVERYTHING.... and Learn for the future, not for today.

Now to the island.... Dominica really isn't that bad.

Food, is by far one of the most revolting topics I can think of. I have never in my life had so much anxiety when it comes to eating! Right by campus is a little place called the "Shacks". And yes, they look like shacks. Like all other places to eat in Dominica, I force myself to think of where the food comes from and how they keep the chicken and fish cold. Or what happens when they lose power? (which happens quite often here) Do they throw out the food? I mean it can't possibly stay cold in 100 degree weather without power! Not to mention the overabundance of bugs on this island swarming all over the restaurants. The thought of it makes me walk straight home and grab a protein bar from my cupboard!

Aside from the random bugs and terrible food, the island life is quite rewarding. I mean who would have thought that by just going to class I would lose 10 pounds and get a tan? The downside to that, is the terrible farmers tan from my backpack, and the drenched sports bra chilling my spine as the AC in class kicks on. But overall, life is good.

I am trying extremely hard to find the time study everything that was in a days worth of lectures. Example: We have 2 hours of Biochemistry and 2 hours of Histology lecture in the morning. And then we start in the afternoon with Anatomy Lab. (yes, we dissect real cadavers...more on that when I actually get to do the cutting!) At the end of the day, sometimes it is 5:30 by the time I get home. Now I have to incorporate 4-8 hours of lecturing into my night's studies so I don't fall behind. You do the math, but it turns out to a lot of late nights. And as I stated above, I have to go above and beyond that because my basic science recall is not so great. Let me just say I am looking forward to the weekend so I can review everything I learned and hopefully solidify most of it in my brain!

Off to another lecture.... Radiologic Anatomy.

Anticipation and Ice Cream

In 5 days, my life will drastically change forever. A step in the right direction, a chance to prove my existence in a world which is completely ruled by perception. So I may have taken the road less traveled, but I know where I want to end up, and with that in mind, I embark in my journey through medial school.

Neapolitan to be exact. Not exactly my favorite, but for tonight, it will suffice. Ice cream is the perfect remedy for anxiety, calms and soothes the soul. Refreshing at best. Well, that is what I tell myself anyways. At the moment, the "unknown" is a constant stressor in my life. What will my classes be like? At 27, how will I stack up as a medical student? What will my husband do without me? Will I miss anything important at home? Will I find great friends? The list goes on... but all in all I know, regardless of how things turn out, right now, the anticipation is killing me!!! I find myself wishing time away, just so I can get to Dominica, and throw a few of those beasts off my back. But in reality, I want the time with my husband and beloved Bentley to go as slow as possible. I can't imagine a day without them, let alone the next 4 months.

And for the record, wine and ice cream ARE NOT the perfect combo, so don't try it at home. For now, I am turning off the lights, letting the beasts run ramped in my mind as I turn in for the night and await tomorrow's flavor of the day.

xoxo,

just call me marshmallow.