So today i cried for the first time in a long while.....i think i just crossed the bridge of realizing that yes, this is the end point of the past and the beginning of the future. The evocation of a mixture of emotions that were both overwhelming and humbling.
In my studies here, I have learned that we must treat the patient, as a whole, and not just the illness. To understand how their symptoms manifest internally and how those ailments impact their life as a whole. As the tears streamed down my face, I realized that it is not just the heart that I need to heal, but my soul and its entirety. My evening dreams are distant memories that losing their luster and although my face never shows the pain inside, it is there.... fading slowly.....but still very much there. This reminds me of my favorite john mayer quote of all time "so what so I've got a smile on, but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head." I am always smiling....I hate the pain of seeing someone else's frown. But deep down there is an abundance of raw emotion all swimming together in a pool of uncertainty. I am not sure which are genuine or which are artifacts of a broken heart. Generally speaking, I am a mess :) But an overall happy mess, with feelings I just can't explain. Which is why I cried. Because no one, not even my self can understand what this all means. I can't even begin to culminate the past, present and future, because the past doesn't match up with today and today doesn't match up with the future. I feel like I am existing in this temporary state of insanity. A surreal happiness. Like I am playing a note that doesn't fit in the chord, but somehow sounds beautiful. The truth is, I am happy. I smile because I feel good, I smile because my heart knows I did the right thing. But then there are my moments of weakness and vulnerability. I walked out of something I wasn't ready to finish. Because I had to, because it was over. So while I enjoy the bliss of the here and now, I wind up "craving" a past that will never exist again. I should be happy right? I have people showing me the way things SHOULD be, I live in paradise, and I am studying something I have always wanted to.
So Doc... how do I get better? How do I relieve the burdens bestowed upon me? I wish there were a lecture on a broken heart and the holistic approach to healing one's soul. But there isn't, so I will stumble through..... with a smile of course.... and "this will all make perfect sense someday."
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