I know I know... it has been forever. But because my love Ivy decided told me to, I decided to write again. Actually I have been wanting to write for a really long time now.
My mind has been a torrent of emotions. Relentlessly, consuming my every waking second. Shaking myself out of blank stares at least 100 times a day, so lost inside my head that i barely realize it sometimes. I have been back in the states for a little over 2 months now. To be a hundred percent honest, I wish i were back on that little island with my uncomplicated life. Because NOTHING has been the same since I returned. I knew it was coming. In 16 months I went through some unbelievably difficult times and never had the chance to face them. The second I came home, and moved in with my boyfriend it all came raining down on me.
I would never expect him to understand... and frankly I can't understand myself. How do I let go of all these emotions because I don't know what to do with my feelings anymore. Are they telling me that something isn't right, or are the pointing out the obvious, that this is NOT my marriage??? I constantly find myself thinking "it was never this hard." But obviously it wasn't hard back then because someone was just playing the game. Doing the right things to make it look like he was perfect, perfect for me. And I truly thought he was. So now I sit here playing red rover wondering if i can break through this mold that was set out of an seemingly perfect marriage. It is hard... because a big part of me wants what I had.... but obviously not the infidelity. I want my dog to come home to, I want the time to myself, I want to feel like I am needed as a "wife". I was forced to be independent in my marriage. Which made me a very independent woman. But when you have an independent man and independent woman, as it is for me now.... no one really feels needed. I have always known that I am a nurturer. I need my dog. I miss the big wet kisses on the face when I got home from work and the long walks with the dog. I miss having a companion that doesn't talk back. I also need space. Norah Jones, a glass of red and no one to care that I am screaming off key in the bath tub. Seems like the little things, but in the end, isn't it the little things???
But one would read this right now and slap me in the face saying "you are divorced, of course it is gonna be different." I know this... i do. I feel like i am being self destructive... like breaking things that aren't broken, only because i can't deal with moving forward in a NEW direction. I fight with myself on a daily basis...trying to get myself to accept what is. But inside I just wonder... is it? or is it not? Why do I feel like this? WTF is wrong with me? He is great, he is different, but so great. Why are my feet grounded like they are stuck in cement. What is holding me back?? In all reality, my man and I are extremely different people. He says No, I say yes, he gets up early, i sleep late, our friends are not mutual, our clash in music is downright comical! Though a lot of differences are perfect, a balancing act while other things tip the scale. In many ways it is easy to understand that there is gonna be dissonance but how much is too much? And as he would probably say, if you even have to ask, than that is your answer.
Today marked a ultimate low. We got the talk about what's next for our career. When do we want to take the big board exam and where do we want to do our rotations. And with that, comes where do you want to live in the future, because the whole point is to shine in your clinical spot so they ask you to do a residency with them. Ha. Right. As if I am ready to decide my future in the next couple months. So came up the dreaded conversation with my man. With all the questions in my mind, of course i wonder if him and I will actually work in the long run. It has been quite the battle here.... so what does that mean for the future. I needed to be honest with him. I wanted him to know how I feel. But of course, the pure fact that I said something, give him reason to put up his defenses and say that he needs to do what is best for him as well. Which he has every right to do. :( I know he is just as unhappy as I am. He wants more... more than I am able to give at this moment in time. I wish I could just go back to that beautiful island where things were seemingly perfect, where I was everything he needed with no reservations.
I will forever be scorned with the big D.... and I feel like i am self protecting to the point where I am shutting of my chance for happiness. It seems like i don't want to work on something because I am afraid it won't work out.... AGAIN, or maybe because I am afraid to move on. But how will ANYTHING work without effort?? But what is considered a major road block and what is just a minor pot hole? I am just hoping for clarity. And hope that however it goes, it was supposed to go that way. Because there has to be a reason for everything, and whatever struggle I am facing now, is just a bridge that I must cross to get to where I am supposed to be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQYNM6SjD_o
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